I Don't deserve this, I don't even like Fairytail!
by thelostsoul565
Summary: My name is Mark Kade, I recently graduated from high school and was about to go to a graduation party, till some fucking shiny object teleported me to the Fairytail universe, Couldn't It have teleported me to another anime or something? This is the worst anime to be in! Fuck Friendship! Self insert of the sort.
1. Chapter 1

**Authors Note: In most fanfics I see that are self inserts, what I usually see is this, A person who is newly born in fairytail, forgets their ENTIRE LIFE AND MEMORIES ON EARTH LIKE IT WAS NOTHING, and proceeds to act like nothing happened! Another face palm I see is when the self insert gets all sad and upset about there parents being dead or some shit, like bro, grow up, this is an anime, you were pretty much expecting in. One last thing that angers me is the fact that sometimes, a self insert does not want to get close to the main cast, but suddenly, when they make a friend with the main cast, they get all sad on how they don't want to see them die! Like seriously! This is Fairytail! THE MAIN CAST DOESN'T DIE!**

 **I am extremely sick of this. I like the concept of Fairytail as well, just that the overall anime and manga are literally horrible. The fanservice and fighting scenes are literally a cover up to the horrible plot of the manga and anime. I understand someone will get triggered by this, but to tell you really, I don't give a shit, also this is my first story, all criticism appreciated. Also Sting should have won the Grand Magic Games, just saying.**

* * *

You know, everything was going so great for quite a while, well, maybe not so nice as to say it was great, but things were starting to look good in life!

Oh how fucking wrong I was.

Getting teleported randomly into a busy looking street was not the funnest experience I've ever had, I mean, because the inner workings of the world couldn't teleport me on the fucking ground now could they!? NO, it just had to be a bit above the ground, I dunno, maybe 10 feet above!?

Alright, I know that isn't much but I landed on my back ok?! It fucking hurts! Trying not to slouch when sitting was painful enough, now this!

What was I trying to tell you again? Oh right…

I was telling you about how I was being teleported, well it is quite the story alright.. Let's start with names, shall we? I'm Mark Kade, Absolute game lover, somewhat of an anime fan, and Quite the cynic. I _used_ to live in Stockton, California, but until this recent incident, I'm unfortunately not living there anymore, as much as I miss my bed and Consoles. Hobbies I guess would include playing video games, talking a lot, attempts at trying to draw, and failing to play the piano.

Back when i was on Earth, I was a pretty tall, but fat-ish. I weighed at around 250 pounds, but i didn't really look like it because of my height, helping with my weight distribution. I was not very well built either, didn't exercise much, but by 12th grade, I manage to skinny down a bit. Face wise, I had dark brown eyes, with rectangular glasses. I had dark brown hair, almost black, I sported a lush, loose comb over that curled just slightly above my right eye. I really didn't like forehead room, always made my head look large, but my Mom never understood.

I was on my way to my friend Matt's house, we were going to have a graduation party at his house. Many of my fellow classmates were also coming along to join in, myself included. To be honest, I only passed with all C's except for History, which I absolutely love, other classes however, I was disinterested in. I didn't know what I wanted to do in my life, and I still don't know now, but never mind that.

Since I wanted to look cool, i decided to dress in Black suit pants, with dark black tennis shoes. I wore a World War 2 Italian officer great coat, which was a grayish green, which I absolutely adore. I also wore a white dress shirt, with a green tie.

While walking through the autumn cold to get to Matt's, I realized something was on the sidewalk, something EXTREMELY shiny, almost hurt my eyes looking at the piece of shininess,

"Well, would you look at that, might be my lucky day!" I said smiling as one of my more favorite songs came on my phone, as I went down to touch the shiny object, even though inside, I felt like I really shouldn't be touching this, but who cares?

As soon as my hand touched the object, I felt like I was floating, my vision went fuzzy with rainbows and other colorful colors I could not express.

 _What the fuck is going on? Whats happening? Am I being teleported? I feel like shit._

Then a bright flash came out of the pretty colors, I think I was high at some point, not to sure anymore.

The next thing I knew, I was looking face up at a bright sky, and falling.

New thing to note in my mind, never touch strange glowing objects on the sidewalk.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, FUCK THAT HURTS!" as I hit the pavement, writhing in pain, in the middle of what seemed to be a street full of people. Back to the present ain't we? I didn't know until I got up looking around, as I realized people were looking at me with shock, confusion, fear, and Mothers that were angry that I said a swear in front of their child.

"It's alright! I'm ok! Nothing strange to see here!" I yelled out to everyone, which made a couple of people shrug and continue on their merry way. They place seemed busy, I examined the place i was in, as I knew I wasn't in California anymore, which didn't really scare me that much, _oh well,_ I suppose.

The streets were brick, with tons of shops on both sides of the streets, bustling with people, merchants and the such trying to sell there goods. At first I though that i was teleported to Italy or something before I turned around.

I could not believe what I was seeing. No, this is bullshit! Utter Bullshit I tell you! Out of all the anime's and of the sort that I had to be teleported to, i was teleported to the one I hated the most.

Fairy Tail, Oh how much I hate that anime, well, this place now, to be honest with you. I could go on a whole rant right now on how the plot in Fairy Tail is horrible, and how Rave was better, with one hundred percent less fan service. It's literally a group of orphans trying to save an emo kid across the playground for crying out loud! Who gives a shit about friendship anyways? Fuck that!

I stared in disbelief, is this what my life is worth now? I have the knowledge of what will happen, I happened to read on the wiki's and I know what's going to happen, but really, I don't care, they can go die for all I care.

But wait..

If I can join the guild and make logical statements about everyone and annoy the crap out of the guild, make Natsu look like a Murderous killer and a brat, who punches you in the face for not being his friend...

And if I can point out the Cana should be dead by now because of alcohol poisoning…

If I can point out to the guild that when Natsu and Gray fight each other on missions, and that every time they destroy buildings that innocent people could be in there, dying upon contact of the building collapsing…

I did an evil smirk, I can have my revenge! I can show them the power of logic!

"Well well well, maybe this won't be that bad after all."

It's time to show what cynicism and having a grasp on the real world can have on the fun piece of shit that is the fairytail guild.

Friendship can't fix everything, and friendship can't be the thing to solve all problems.

Also I am SO going to call Zeref a dumb ass, does he really think Natsu can kill him? Yeah no, he's immortal, doesn't matter if Natsu uses his strongest attack or some shit, your immortal man, it was your punishment, deal with it man.


	2. Chapter 2

**Authors Note: Here is the second Chapter to this possibly horrid fanfiction that I created on the spot because of my rage for the Fairy Tail Fanfic community. Also, sorry for the late upload, for further notice, I don't really have an update schedule set up at the moment, I will update when I relatively feel like it, new ideas don't come out of nowhere you know! But I guess if you were piggybacking off of the main plot it would kind of not be so bad yeah?**

* * *

To be honest, the streets of magnolia weren't that bad. I thought it would kind of be worse, but I guess when you're walking around a rich ass port city, I suppose there's not really anything to fear in this city as of right now.

I walked along the main street until I came to the river crossing to the other side of the city, where the fairytail guild currently resides. The river has fish jumping out and boats coming through that carried people along like it was the city equivalent of Venice.

Continuing to walk, I stared at the Guild that was still a very far distance to reach, and to be honest, I really did not want to walk all the way over there.. But I had to get too a safe location as soon as possible.

I decided to stop at the bench on the bridge as I needed to collect my thoughts for a moment.

I watched as people went across the bridge as I continued to think of my situation.

" _Is this really what I want to do?_ "

That was the first question to pop up in my mind. Sure, I could just join the guild, but I could just try to completely ignore Fairy Tail, I could just explore and enjoy the new experience of being in a fantasy world. But to be honest I'm scared. I have no papers documenting who I am, no real identification either. Can I get a stable job? Can I even support for myself? Can I even make a decent amount of money to get by? I know that Fairy Tail offers non magic jobs, but would it be enough? Is my degree useless? Has eighteen years of going to school been for nought?

I was getting more depressed by the second, until I heard a large stomping, or was it thumping? Coming from the left. I didn't know till I decided to see where the thumping-stomping was coming from.

 _ **Holy shit**_. No seriously, **holy fucking shit**.

You've gotta be shitting me.

When I looked left I saw Erza Scarlet, casually walking down the street, with a **gigantic ass fucking horn in her hands.**

I realised then how weak and shitty I was compared to the ultra-superpower anime bodies that are bullshit.

I knew that I just got here, but was I really that far back in the story. It seems I'm at the beginning of the lullaby arc.

Well isn't this just great? Now that Erza's here, I could probably let her vouch for me when I try to enter the guild. I know that the guild will probably accept anyone. But having extra recommendations isn't so bad, right?

As Erza was about to walk across the bridge that I was standing on I decided this was the time to make my move.

"Wait! Do you mind stopping for a moment Ma'am!" Let's hope this works.

Erza slowly turns to her side to look at me, not just with irritation, but with malice.

"What is it?" A threatening look clearly on her face, ready to dismiss me at notice, I guess it's time to pull the guilt card.

"Listen I..I don't really have anywhere to necessarily go, I am homeless, have no house, have no job, and I am sort of broke."

"And what does that have to do with me?"

"I was hoping to join Fairy Tail, but I am afraid that they will reject me, that they will tell me that I am not any real use to them, I see that you're from the Fairy Tail guild based on the insignia on your chestplate, you wouldn't mind helping me right? You wouldn't turn down a person in need...right?"

I looked down at the ground with probably the most genuine face of sadness I could muster up in order to get the introduction way into Fairy Tail. I know that Fairy Tail's main weakness is pride, so why not exploit that now?

"... Very well, I suppose it would be my duty as a Fairy Tail member to not help those who need us the most. I am Erza Scarlet, S-class wizard, and one of the strongest members in Fairy Tail, now come along."

I noticed when I looked up that her face was not so irritated anymore, and was a bit more neutral in expression than I expected. I guess it would be a bit too much to ask a bit more out of her..

"Thanks I guess, never did I think that she would actually accept." I mumbled as I rushed forward so I could walk and talk while we continued to walk towards the guild.

"By the way, my name is Mark Kade."

"I will do well to remember it."

"By the way, do you happen to know where the local bank is?"

"Yes I do, but why would you want to know?" she looked at me questioningly. I realised that I should have probably told her I'm not from around here...

"Well.. I'm actually from Iceberg, got on a boat, not EXACTLY sure how I got here, but uh, y'know.. I got here somehow."

"Oh, well I would be happy to take around Magnolia at another time, but right now, I have an important mission to take care of after this."

Wow, she actually bought that.

Up ahead I saw what I think was Loke walking down the street towards us when suddenly he looked up, saw us, and ran away towards the guild.

I looked towards Erza with an eyebrow raised.

"Was that a terrorist something or..?"

"No, he is Loke, a fellow guildmate, possibly informing everyone of my arrival."

The smile she had on her face was not convincing me that the welcoming party she was going to give was a good one, but that could just be me, but I do know the actual sequence of events.. Ah whatever.

I walk towards the Fairy Tail guild, knowing that I REALLY don't know what I'm getting myself into by being part of the main plot, but If I'm not going to die an early death, then so be it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: Wow, another chapter, this early? Yup, thatś right, I decided to make another chapter. I can't believe that I am still continuing to update this fanfiction. Chapter 519.. Wow. Have you seen the reviews for that chapter? The worst chapter in a shounen I have ever read, If you don't know what I mean, go read it yourself.**

* * *

To be honest, the introduction to the Fairytail guild wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. When I walked in, nobody even payed attention to me. I managed to get my Fairy Tail stamp from Mira, and walked out like nothing happened. I would introduce myself to a couple of members of the guild, but that didn't matter right now. Right now I need to get myself a place to sleep, some food, and a way to get money that won't be missions from a damn board, to which I can get myself killed. I understand that I could go for the low class missions, like walk a dog or whatever, but I have a better plan.

It was late in the afternoon, as I was walking towards my designated location, if my plan didn't work, then I will be screwed. Literally. Walking down the pier, I went to the place that could solve all of my problems. A place where many people go to die, and to become resurrected, and no it's not the graveyard.

The bank, specifically the Bank of Magnolia. If I could get my hands on the one thing that the government spends too much on, then i could be scot free!

That's right, it's time for THAT.

Looking around, it was quite late, many people aren't around, and the sun was slowly setting. As I looked at the bank, I was quite surprised at the largeness of it. I knew that Magnolia was a merchant city, but this was insane! Two big double doors, giant windows, and stone exterior with pillars to match.

I quickly opened the door and went in, smelling the musk of paper currency in the air. Many accountants were closing up for the day, or parting from their shifts, and there was few, if any people in the couple of lines still open for the public.

I stepped in line and waited a bit, looking around as I did. It still felt surreal that I was in in anime. When I watched Fairy Tail for the first time, I really thought that maybe, just maybe the minor characters would get some kind of recognition. I really liked Macao and the others that were left behind when the main cast went and got frozen in time. I really thought that they would get more development, that we would see more suffering of the minor cast, and how maybe the seven years would be there time to shine, like how Macao had to deal with being the guildmaster, and how he was not prepared to take on the responsibility. Or how Droy and Jet had to work together instead of fight for levy all the time in order to keep the guild up and running instead of moving to a guild to an abandoned tavern. I especially got angry when they just happily welcomed the main cast back after being missing for seven years. I understand that I would be happy if i saw my friends again, but for seven years? And not even slightly angry? It made me upset that Mashima didn't grow on these points. Only giving tiny little tidbits on what happened over the seven years.

"Next in line, come on up." I heard the voice of the tired accountant call for the next person, which i realised was me. Quickly, I walked forward, eager to abuse the system, if this anime even had one..

"Hello Miss, I'm Mark Kade, a new resident in Magnolia, I would like to make an account, but not only that, apply for something." I knew this might be awkward if they didn't have it, but it is worth a shot.

"Easy enough Mr. Kade, but what would you like to apply for?" the accountant questioned, as she was writing down the forms for my new bank account.

"I would like to apply for Welfare." I spoke with excitement, sure I shouldn't be excited about this, but it's still money, free money!

A panicked look went across the accountants face as she looked at me with wide eyes, and looked around. I was a bit nervous, did I say something wrong?

"Umm, Miss?" I mumbled out, she quickly put a finger to her lip, and waved me closer to her, which I obliged.

"Mr. Kade, I can apply you to Welfare, but you must know something before I can apply you for it. Currently you will be the only person in Magnolia that has ever applied for Welfare, but there is a good reason to that." she explained in a whisper. The first person? Has no one applied for Welfare before?

"So what's the problem?' I questioned, this does seem a bit suspicious, I hope there isn't some type of government scheme that's going to happen to me.

"You see, in Magnolia, the merchants pay for welfare, however, they asked us, the bank, to keep quiet about welfare, as they don't want to pay, however, if someone asks about welfare, we, the accountants, are obliged to answer all questions relating to welfare, and applying for it." she explained. Ah, makes sense, I mean if I was running a company,and someone or tons, of people were leeching of of my money, I would be pretty angry as well.

"Well, alright, I'll keep quiet about it, but how many jewels do I get from Welfare?" This was it, the deciding factor. I remember that Lucy's apartment cost about seventy-thousand jewels or so. A dollar is worth one hundred jewels according to the wiki, so Lucy's apartment rent is seventy dollars...

Wait a second.. Seventy Bucks for a luxury apartment?! What bullshit is this? Electricity and everything?! Fucking bullshit!

"In accordance to the agreement the merchants have signed off on, you will get 400,000 Jewels a week." she quickly said. My eyes widened.

Holy shit!? 400$ a week?! To what I've seen, Magnolia doesn't even have sales tax or any tax that I'm aware of. Looks like I'm already making more than A mage in a guild would be making, unless he goes on constant jobs.

"I definitely accept. Thank you. Do I get the Jewels now or?" I questioned, I mean, I need something right now in order to get some sort of shelter or apartment for the day.

"I will have the funds ready by tomorrow, thank you for coming to Magnolia bank!" the accountant tiredly, but cheerfully exclaimed as I walked out. Great, now I will probably have to ask Mira or something if I can stay at the guild tonight. At least I can probably raid the fridge for some Hot Pockets or something.

… There aren't hot pockets in Fairy Tail...

…...

God, Why hast thou forsaken me to this fate?

I walked on in despair, never being able to eat that delicious cheese ever again.


End file.
